Anyone had experiences with a loved one and AA?
I have a relationship with someone who has recently started going to AA due to a serious alcohol addiction problem…although the AA meetings seem to be doing him some good as far as not drinking…it’s almost turned into a cult like thing. It seems to be driving a wedge in “our” recovery. He has stated that AA encourages it’s members to end relationships and remain single during recovery. This isn’t an immature relationship by any means…and we share a house and a life together…I have been through a lot with his drinking and don’t want to hinder his recovery in any way, but he goes to his AA meetings at least 3 times a day and is secretive and weird about them…he has shut off any conversation with me about past events or about what we’re gonna do to try and move on. Anybody had any similiar experiences? Care to elaborate?
soapintrucker posted: 31 Aug at 6:42 am
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
steph posted: 31 Aug at 6:51 am
Alcoholics rely on their meetings, it gives them a place to go where they do not have to feel ashamed for awhile, they are surrounded by people who are going through exactly the same things they are, or who have been there and are on their way back. Just try to give him a little space. Let him know that you are their for him, but do not try to push or pry. He might not be able to open up to you yet, but try to encourage without pushing. What he is facing is damn near insurmountable, it takes a lot of courage to do what he is doing and he will probably go through a period of self loathing. It might be hard for him to face you right now, especially if you have seen him at his worst. I have a family of alcoholics and addicts and they have had a life long battle with this that has affected us all. Be strong and remember to look out for yourself. He has to do this for himself and you can not make this go away. You can also try an Ala-non meeting for yourself.
miatalise12560 posted: 31 Aug at 7:29 am
been there….he’s doing his 90/90 (90 meetings in 90 days)? It doesn’t matter….you are right to say “our” recovery. Alcoholism is a family disease and he’s heard the right message about being single but AA does not say divorce or end relationships unless it is leading the alcoholic to drink. You see that’s AA’s strength…no matter what or who DON’T DRINK. The disease will always be first because the alcoholic cannot drink. Not drinking is the primary goal, focus and reason for being alive. That said, go to Al Anon. I’m serious. There you will learn to take the focus off the alcoholic and put it on yourself. Alcoholism is a family disease and healing does not take place in the home but within each individual. You’ll get a sponsor and work through your own program. Eventually you will work on your relationship with your partner. You will try talk about past events and moving on…..but not yet. Not until he’s ready. Don’t push. Keep it simple…real simple. Every minute that goes by and he doesn’t drink is a miracle. Try to do one nice thing for him everyday, a favorite meal, a new shirt, just one nice little thing (a lottery ticket?) every day to let him know you love him. Don’t push. Go to your own meetings….other relationships have survived, yours can, too…..God Bless. It works if your work it so work it YOU are worth it!
Beez posted: 31 Aug at 8:28 am
My advice is that you start attending Al-Anon meetings. You’ll find a whole new way of looking at life with an alcoholic. To my knowledge, AA does not encourage people to end relationship during recovery. Alcoholism is a chronic and complex disease. AA is a working philosophy, not a cult.
nursesr4evr posted: 31 Aug at 9:11 am
They encourage you not to start a new relationship, but I’ve never heard of one telling you to give up an existing relationship. Does he have a sponsor? A sponsor will help him gain balance.
marryme_alig posted: 31 Aug at 10:09 am
YES! I agree with AA being like some sort of cult group. My husband has NEVER included me in any of his meetings or recovery in any way…and now wonders why I’m leaving. He has been in recovery for the past 13 years. The meetings..I have to agree that they help him. I can’t argue there, but, it’s true. By being there to help others trying to recover or in recovery, he is helping himself to not drink. Alcoholism is a disease after all.
AA really does change people somehow. It’s very strange and secretive. I’ve heard the same thing from so many people. Of course, it is much better than drinking and endangering the lives of others. I am not disputing the value of AA at all. It has saved my husband’s life. For that I am grateful to them.
There’s so much more to this story. IM me if you want to know more…