Can I save my marriage? What should I do?
My husband is currently undergoing treatment for gambling addiction and alcohol addiction. As part of his treatment he has to keep a diary. I know I shouldn’t have – but I read part of it. He has been withdrawn from me and has hardly talked to me at all this weekend. In his diary he said that he felt ‘unmoved’ when he saw me this weekend an that he is thinking about whether he wants to be with me. I have put up with his infidelity and other horrendous things and I feel stunned by the fact that he doesn’t know if he can stay with me when I have stayed with him through everything.
Asked by:litchick
riddlewrapednanenigma posted: 03 Jul at 1:29 am
Maybe you are a nag.
punxsutawney phil posted: 06 Jul at 4:31 am
Just staying there is not enough. Is it?
Gator Diva posted: 07 Jul at 10:46 am
He should be careful what he asks for. Tell him not that you read his diary, but that you cannot deal with standing by him for the things he has done and instead of things getting better, he has simply withdrawn from your relationship. You deserve better, and life is definitely too short – is this how you want to spend it?
Pack up and head to a girlfriend’s house or to a relatives for a little while. I’m not saying give up on your marriage – you sound like you’re not sure that’s what you want, and space can give you time to reflect on that without any pressure. Space will also give him a dose of his own medicine; he fantasizes about you not being there? Show him what he’d be missing were it true. Chances are, he’ll rethink how he feels about you – and if not, then leaving will be the most healthy and positive thing you could have done for YOURSELF.
Best wishes,
BJ
ladyren posted: 08 Jul at 7:47 pm
Infidelity…. as in adultery?????
Hon, why are you even still there?
Truly I think marriage is Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust, and the Trust is gone when the Passion got shared….. that means that the other two are in the toilet too…. (It’s all just a pile of wet s (hit) right now, isn’t it????? so I ask again, why are you even there???? what is there to save????
Just a statistic: Only 20% of marriages survive 2 years with betrayal, and that is with both in counseling, and both hoping to save it…. he doesn’t even wish to save it.
Hon, life is toooo beautiful with an appropriate partner to waste lovely years on not only an addict, but a betrayer who doesn’t even care for you, nor your “marriage”.
So I ask again, why are you still there?
Alexandra posted: 10 Jul at 6:24 am
first off let me just say that you are a very strong woman by standing by him through all of that. But just because you love him enough to stick by him, doesn’t mean that he loves you enough to try to work through it with you.
You also have to realize that being with a recovered addict is a VERY tough thing and that it is going to be an ongoing struggle every day for the rest of your lives, and you have to consider whether or not you are going to be able to forgive and forget and able to give him the type of support he needs.
If you decide that you want to be with him, you need to start going to a marriage counselor and get on the road to fixing your marriage. This can help both of you open up to each other and make sure both of you are in this whole hearted. A counselor will be your best bet to fix anything, you cant do it alone!
Emily Hobhouse posted: 13 Jul at 7:03 am
It might be a symptom of his illnesses. He might be so self absorbed at the moment that yes, that is the way he feels. It might not be permanent. Are you visiting him? If so, why not stay away for a weekend (make some excuse) and see his reaction when he does see you again. It sounds as though he is either taking you for granted or he is so despondent that he is unable to feel much. A small break might make him realise that he does want you around.
But be prepared and start making plans for your future.
mab5096 posted: 14 Jul at 9:44 pm
First of all I can’t blame you a bit for reading his diary. Because of the situation you are in, you need to find out what is going on and it looks like you did. That said, you also have to realize that everyone goes thru times of indecision and soul-searching. Just because you have stayed with him doesn’t mean that he appreciated it although of course he should. Someone with his problems needs lots of help; only you can decide if you want to hang in there with him or not. Don’t do it out of a sense of obligation or fear of being alone. Do it because he is a wonderful person, you love each other dearly, and you can’t imagine a life without him. If that’s not the case maybe you need to move on. Good luck to both of you.
Mcath posted: 17 Jul at 9:25 am
Leave him. Do it for yourself because you need time to heal also. When he gets healthy and you have learned not to be co-dependent then y’all can talk about reconciliation.
p.s. don’t tell him you read the diary. Let him be puzzled at the fact that you would consider leaving Him!