Hey, can I get some feedback on my Harry Potter fanfic character/OC?
(Reposted, revised.)
(I know this is a lot to read, and I would be most grateful if you did read it and gave me feedback. Just a note: I may be almost 17, but my writing skills are not so useless that I wouldn’t incorporate the flaws I have listed into my story. Reading a story with undeveloped characters would be horrible, but writing one…? How very boring. Thanks in advance.)
Name – Sari Babylon (I speak Moroccan Arabic. I was thinking using Sahar instead. Pronounced like Sare. And yes, she is half Moroccan.)
House – Ravenclaw
Appearance – Unruly black hair usually in a messy braid or half up, brown eyes, pale, hardly any curves, average height, wears glasses, and pretty if she actually tried.
Personality – A skeptic, logical, quiet, pessimistic, dark sense of humor, brutally honest when she tells the truth, subtlely manipulative, observant, sarcastic, stubborn, and protective of the people she trusts.
Faults – Sucks at Divination, Astronomy, and Quidditch. Not good at long-term relationships. Interest in the dark arts, but not to an extreme. An interest in older men [Remus (doesn't act on it), Severus (acts on it)]. Alcohol abuse and addiction to sex at one point in the story after a mental breakdown (the story progresses into her adulthood too). She bottles up emotions until she bursts, and she is a bookworm of sorts. Envy (of Tonks, for example). Others in personality above.
Fears – Torture, death, dark closed speaces, abandonment, and embarrassment.
Talents – Academics in general, most notably Charms, DADA, and Potions. Manipulating subtlely. Occlumency. Good memory.
Acquaintances – Hermione, George (the more level-headed of the two twins), and I was debating adding Neville or Luna. Luna is in her house, but she might be annoyed at her beliefs (the stuff in the Quibbler). Or Neville because he’s a nice kid, but maybe he’s too nice. What do you think?
Dislikes – Cho Chang, Pansy Parkinson, Professor Trelawney, and Tonks (I love her, actually!).
Background – She was adopted by a muggle archaeologist and a wizard who couldn’t conceive a child. She was raised in Morocco, but her family moved to Ireland when her foster father was promoted (he has a job in the Ministry). She is not a transfer student.
My opinion – My parents died when I was a baby too, so I decided to base her emotions after mine. You can’t miss what you never had (to me, anyway). So, in my opinion, the whole “angsty past” thing doesn’t count. Or does it? However, she is distantly related to Voldemort (that fact isn’t introduced into way into the plot). She is NOT a parseltongue, and she plays a crucial role as a spy. However, the storyline does not drastically change.
lunarsorceress posted: 11 Aug at 6:59 am
Well, you’ve managed to craft a character without crafting a mary sue, so kudos to you, but I see room for improvement. I’m not being mean, so please don’t be offended. Her “addiction to sex” contradicts with her “logical” personality somewhat.
But otherwise, good job. Keep in mind that you can’t spend too much time developing one of your characters if you’re going to add more OC characters as well. If she’s your only OC for this fanfic, feel free to develop her to you heart’s content. It’s good to put a little bit of your own personality and experiences into a character, as long as you don’t turn your character into a mary-sue-ish alter ego. Good luck!
Breanna posted: 11 Aug at 7:14 am
I think you have thought it through very nicely and it seems like it would be a good story. Are you going to put it on fanfiction.net or are you on another fanfic site? If you put it on fanfiction.net, I would love to read it. I also have created a Harry Potter/OC fanfic, and they interest me. My name on fanfic is deceptionislife.